I thought I was going to stay in today on this blistery snowy Sunday, but no, my friend coerced me out of the house.
“Come on…let’s go get some lunch.”
“Lunch? It’s lunchtime?”
“What! Did you just get up?”
“No, I’m just lounging around today. Give me fifteen minutes and I’ll meet you on the corner. I still need to get dressed.”
I left the house at Noon and began my descent down the seventy-seven stairs of my brownstone. Before I got through the first twelve I was met in the hallway by one of my downstairs’ neighbors who was on all fours. He had removed a wall panel and was peering into the recessed shaft where the plumbing to his unit could be accessed.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m checking the pipes. We’re going to swap out the faucet in our bathroom.”
“Oh cool…good luck.”
That’s the last I thought about it. It slipped my mind completely after I stumbled upon a pair of shiny, red panties lying in the snow bank on the way to meeting my friend. Crazy shit like this always captures my attention – oddities that I find when I’m out walking. I pulled out my iPhone and snapped a picture and kept walking. How and why were they there is always the first questions? Valentine’s Day was just the other day so I wonder if the owner of these panties discarded them after having a quickie in one of the parked cars the other night – it wouldn’t be the first time. Or maybe she dropped them after her walk of shame home – I’ve see that before too. Another plausible explanation – maybe they just fell out of her laundry bag – and yes, I’ve seen that too. Regardless – whoever you are, your panties are now in this story. As my friend said to me after I showed him the photograph,
“You gotta Instagram dat joint!” – We heard that statement recently on some YouTube video. It made us both crack up. And for the record…I did Instagram it.
We trekked through the snow and picked up our pizza and two liter bottle of Coke – that was the special of the day, and was just about to get into it and my friends phone started to chime.
“Jason…I just got a text saying that there is a large puddle of water in the hallway in front of my rental unit in your building.”
“Shit…are you kidding me? I can tell you exactly where that’s coming from. One of the new owners was in the hallway telling me he was going to change out his faucet. Do you have the number to the management company?”
Fifteen minutes later I got a call from my neighbor:
“Jason…the fucking kid was going to change out the faucet and didn’t shut the water off to the build first. It’s a fucking mess over here. It looked like a waterfall running down the wall!”
“Yes I heard. We contacted the management company and they are on their way over. That’s all we can do.”
Being in the penthouse, this mess and problem had no bearing on my unit, or me, but for some reason my wife and I always get involved. What I can say is this: If you are not a plumber, electrician, HVAC technician or contractor, do not attempt to do any of these tasks on your own. You will fuck something up. This in turn will cause problems. These problems won’t be pretty or an easy fix. Your neighbors will be pissed. You will have to file an insurance claim. Your insurance will go up. Your wife will yell at you. I think that pretty much sums it up.
It’s just another learning lesson for this first time homebuyer. In the event that you pissed yourself when you couldn’t get the water to stop, I know where you can find some fresh panties!